Being grateful....

So I have come to realize that some of the people I have counted on most in my life have disappointed me the worst. I know that this thought is very common, everyone feels "let down" at some point.  I am writing this post mainly to let my two children know that no matter how disappointed they may be in others, they can pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and carry on--stronger and better.  That from every disappointment, somewhere in the aftermath, there just might be something they can be grateful for.

My series of let down's began with my birth mother (I consider my step-mother my mom).  We always had a very strained and difficult relationship, especially after my parents divorced.  We did not get along very well and she finally told me that she was not meant to be a mother and wanted to be "let off the hook" as far as my brother and I were concerned--I was just 18, my kid brother was only 14.  I've tried a couple of times to "reconcile" through the years, but am reminded every time that she is a self centered, delusional woman that really had no business being a mother.  Through this ordeal, I learned some very important lessons--I learned exactly how NOT to parent.  I witnessed the colossal mistakes my birth mother made and remember them every time I interact with my own children.  For that, I am strangely grateful.

I was lucky enough in my life to have other motherly role models to base my understanding of "what a mother really should be" on.  My father's oldest sister (Aunt Peg) was my stand-in mom growing up, she taught me how to bake, helped me get ready for prom, showed me how to laugh at myself, and that nothing was more important than your family. Aunt Peg was diagnosed two months before my wedding with Stage 4 Breast Cancer.  She lived for 4 months after her diagnosis.  She was too afraid by the concept of doctors to get anything checked out, so she lived with the cancer for what we think was years without telling anyone.  I believe next to my dad, brother, and fiance at the time, I loved my aunt more that anyone or anything.  I know that it was not intentional for her to die so young, but I do feel at times that she "abandoned" me.  She lived long enough to see me walk down the aisle, but when I had my children, I needed her more than anything and she was not there (my father's youngest sister, Cobbie & sister-in-law, Becky, were there and there is not enough I can do to thank them for their advice, their humor, and their unconditional love when I was going through some postpartum craziness).  I love my Aunt Peg with all of my heart, but there are times I find myself feeling that she really let me down.  The lesson I learned from her was to never ignore a medical issue, to take control of my health and live as full a life as possible.  For that, I am grateful.

When you are little girl, your parents promise you that you are going to find the man of your dreams, fall in love, marry, have children, and live happily ever after.  Up until 5 months ago, I truly believed I had done that.  I fell in love in high school, stayed with him through the ups & downs of college, and married him after we graduated and found jobs.  We were married the text book 3 years before our son was born, and then our daughter followed less than 2 years later.  The promises of an amazing journey together were made, and I whole-heartedly believed them.  Together, we faced deaths of loved ones, rock bottom financially, moves from city to city, state to state, and some very scary health issues.  I truly believed in him and that we could get through anything and everything, together. I believed, that is, until I discovered he had changed and then announced he was leaving.  The reasons why are not important here, but the fact is that yet again, someone I trusted and loved disappointed me.  This has not caused me to be bitter or mean.  It has actually done just the opposite, for now (hehehe).  From this I learned to not become vindictive, but to live a better life than I could have had with him.  It has taught me that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, and for this, I am grateful.

I have a career that I am proud of, and a life that is my own.  I am my own best advocate when my health is concerned.  I have two amazing, beautiful, fantastic children that I love more than anything. I know now that had I not gone through these disappointments, I would not have the ability to be grateful for the things I learned from them.  I hope to teach my children these same lessons, but with less disappointment this time around..