10 Years in the Blink of an Eye....

Tomorrow, my baby, my amazing little girly turns ten.  I am having an awfully hard time with this.  I had a hard time when my first baby turned ten, but for some reason, this one stings just a little more.  Hannah Colleen was actually a miracle for me...  
I never wanted a little girl (it's ok, she knows this story) because my relationship with my own mother was far from enjoyable, and I was terrified that if I had a daughter, the same bad relationship would happen.  The day Dr. Doan told us that she was a girl, I was a wreck. Everyone thought I was crying out of joy, when in reality--I was horrified...what was I going to do with a girl of my own???  For the next few months I tried convincing myself that somehow it would be ok.  That maybe the doc was wrong, maybe she misread the ultrasound and this so called "girl" I was having would really be a boy....until she was born and they placed  the most perfect girl in my arms.  The instant I looked into her eyes, my entire body smiled and I immediately knew it really was going to be ok.  Don't get me wrong, I was still terrified I would screw her up somehow (and god knows there's still time, lol), but for the first time since the news of her gender (and every day since her birth), I was genuinely excited for her to be mine. 


Hannah Colleen, in your short ten years you have taught me more than I have learned in the 29 years before meeting you.  Your smile is contagious, no matter what mood I am in.  Your sense of humor increases on a daily basis, just when I think you've said THE funniest thing I've ever heard, you top it the next day!!  Watching you with your younger cousins warms my heart--you are the most gentle and caring little girl I know.  Your love of animals is unmatched and your patience with almost everything you encounter is humbling.  You are polite, respectful, kind, considerate, and loving to everyone you meet.  I feel that I am the luckiest mom on earth to call you my daughter, and even luckier that I get to spend every day with you.  You teach me and show me things you will never know you do, because of you I am a better person.  You have conquered my fear of having a daughter, and I can say that because of you, my faith in mother-daughter relationships has been restored.

Someone shared this article with me earlier, and I was floored at the similarities--I thought this woman (Lindsey Mead Russell) was talking about you!!  While I am using her article, I have added one or two of my own thoughts...so Hannah Colleen, here are

Ten Things I Want My Daughter to Know Before She Turns Ten:

1.  It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not your Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it's not.  The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I loved watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with Pet Shops, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough now to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don't shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and dimple and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifesting in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight of your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it (occasionally).  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I'm going to be here, no matter what, Hannah.  The string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

Hannah Colleen, I wish you the very best and happiest first double-digit-birthday tomorrow!!  I am so extremely proud of the person you've become, and cannot wait to see the woman you grow into.  

You and your brother are THE best things to ever happen to me, and I cannot tell you enough that you both give me the courage and strength to be your momma, and you effortlessly make it the best job I could ever dream of.  

I love you ladybug, 

Happy Birthday!!